Emotional Abuse and Reconciliation

Peak Living Network Forums Women Emotional Abuse and Reconciliation

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  • #2121
    mxyzh
    Participant

    Hello to anyone who wants to listen.

    I have been married for 8 years, together 10, one child. My husband has suffered from depression the entirety of the time I have known him, and I am convinced there is something more he needs to process/understand. He has been deeply damaging emotionally, and come very close to being physically dangerous, to the point that I have enough evidence to convict him of domestic abuse. I choose to do everything I can to help him before giving up, so for now we are still married, I am in counseling for my trauma, and am doing okay with recovering. The issue I face is an inability to find ways that help me enforce healthy boundaries without completely pushing him off the edge. Anytime I have a problem to address, it doesn’t matter how I bring it up, he sees me as controlling and hateful. So when I mention, “I understand you felt you had to go to another state last night to get away, and I don’t have a problem with you making that choice, but I would really appreciate knowing when you make the decision to do something like that. I would like to get a text next time that lets me know that you are leaving and when you may be home. It really hurt me that you left without telling me, that they last thing you said was why are you married to someone like me.” He sees that as me being a manipulative b**** that just wants to control his whereabouts. He says I am “incapable” of being understanding, “too dumb to understand.” I tell him I will not be yelled at with names and am walking away. He chases me in the house yelling some more about how I again am refusing to Listen. “What do you want?!” He yells, I say “I want you to stop talking to me like I’m stupid and I want you to stop yelling and calling me names.” He says “okay,” let’s me say one thing, then continues to tell me that what I was hurt by never actually happened, my truth is completely outrageous and I “make it out to be worse than it really was every time.” I tell him he’s gaslighting and I will not believe the drunk person’s take on the scenario but own understanding. And again and again I walk away when boundaries are crossed, he gets even madder when I walk away, and then won’t even speak to me after that. Then a few days later he apologizes and things are okay for a bit, and the cycle repeats. I know I’m stuck, I know I need to draw boundaries for myself… I’m just horribly scared that the only boundary I have left to enforce is “I will not continue to let someone in my life that continually harms me in these ways and refused to apologize, make amends, or take accountability for it.

    #2231
    Carrie
    Participant

    Hi, i have just joined this forum.
    I really feel for you and your story touches me deeply. I hope you can find a way through to peace and love.

    I am sharing my story of abuse below and my journey of recovery so far…

    I currently have a Restraining Order against my husband. I was married for 31 years.
    My husband physically assaulted me earlier this year when he was drunk and I ended up in ER. I was terrified and felt completely degraded.

    My husband appeared to suffer from depression/anxiety on and off for years and he self medicated with alcohol. He had previously received out patient counselling for alcohol addiction and stopped drinking for awhile.
    I’m not sure if he was always Alcoholic. At the restraining order hearing, the court ordered him to go into Residential Rehab for 5 weeks.

    I have started reading The Joyous Recovery. I have previously read ‘Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men’. And also several other books trying to make sense of what I have endured for years.

    I now realise that my husband was controlling me for years using various forms of psychological and emotional abuse. During the last 4 years, I developed a chronic pain condition and fatigue which most likely resulted from the abuse that I suffered. At one point I though I was going crazy.
    The first time he hit me was 4 years ago and he blamed me for being ‘out of control’. He had crossed my final boundary. I think prior to this ‘I was so much in his control’ he did not need to use any physical violence.
    After this the only boundary I re-enforced was ‘If you ever physically hurt me again, the marriage is over’

    I am finally making some sense of what I endured and am experiencing feelings of freedom, happiness and spaciousness in my life.
    I know that asking ‘why did he do that?’ is pointless. Rationally I know that ‘it was not my fault’. However I still doubt some things and hear his voice in my head and everything then collapses.
    Sometimes it is hard to make sense of it all and I find it hard to believe that that was my life, that this person was my husband and the father of my children. (now all adults)

    It’s been 7 months since I’ve seen him, which is so weird – I did not think that I could have survived this long without him. But I have! For over 30 years, not 1 day passed when we did not speak / or see each other. I now feel like ‘me’ again, which is strange and fascinating as I discover who I am.

    I have passed the point of considering a reconciliation for following reasons not in any specific order:
    1. He would never forgive me for getting a restraining order (that says it all!)
    2. He said it would never happen again but it did
    3. He said he would stop drinking before so many times but never did
    4. He blamed everyone and everything for his problems in life but not himself.
    5. I realise that I don;t love him. Whatever love I had left for him died when he physically hurt me. I felt so afraid for my life.
    6. I realise that he doesn’t love me. No person could treat a loved one so horribly. There is no excuse.

    Regards
    A hopeful survivor

    #2284
    TurtleBear
    Participant

    Hi ladies,
    I also struggle with keeping clear boundaries. I can set them but when he blazes thru my boundaries, I have trouble with what to do. Mine also blames his abuse on when he was using and drinking. Currently he’s in treatment for the substance abuse but not for the physical/emotional abuse. Even now if I don’t agree with what he says, he wants to go off program, which lately I’m thinking is another way for him to manipulate me into doing what he wants. Usually it is about defining our relationship. He feels that because he’s “doing what he’s suppose to” our relationship can continue as it was before. I need time to heal from his trauma but he think because he says he’s doing better I should trust the program and to bring up the past I’m not letting it go, I’m dwelling. I no longer want to be in the relationship anymore but I’m having trouble ending it. And that’s stupid because all these things that the Carrie stated are extremely true for me:

    1. He would never forgive me for getting a restraining order (that says it all!)
    2. He said it would never happen again but it did
    3. He said he would stop drinking before so many times but never did
    4. He blamed everyone and everything for his problems in life but not himself.
    5. I realize that I don;t love him. Whatever love I had left for him died when he physically hurt me. I felt so afraid for my life.
    6. I realize that he doesn’t love me. No person could treat a loved one so horribly. There is no excuse.

    I have no advise only support because I understand!
    E

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by TurtleBear.
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